March 16, 2004

Natural Selection

Not to imply that I am the intensely jealous sort or anything, but here's how to select yourself straight into that pool of "Men Ilyka No Longer Wants Within a Five-Mile Radius of Herself:"

Sit your sorry ass down on my couch and put on that DVD of Femme Fatale you rented the other night . . . you know, the one you rented for the sole purpose of ogling Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, the best argument for the aggressive promotion of contraception humanity has yet produced?*

Yes, this method is guaranteed 95% effective. The only thing saving it from being 100% effective is that remote chance you could still save yourself by turning the television off, denouncing Ms. Whyami-Famous as "not even qualified to act in hardcore," and groveling like a sorry punk at my feet.

Don't even think I've forgotten about your thing for girls with French accents. No, indeed, I have not forgotten that bit at all, you lover of cheese-eating surrender monkeys, you. For Bastille Day this year, I might just celebrate by stringing you up by your balls. Hey, it beats the guillotine, doesn't it? No? Alas, it is a pity, that . . . but c'est la vie. Vive la France!

*And don't even give me that bit about "But she was Mystique in X-Men!" unless you want to be strung up next. Over the course of two films Mystique gets, what, a dozen lines maybe? Paris Hilton could play Mystique. And clinical trials are nearing completion in which it is proved that Paris Hilton is genetically incapable of performing anything, even herself having sex. So put a sock in it about Mystique already.

Posted by Ilyka at March 16, 2004 09:31 PM in navel gazing

I completely disagree. Paris Hilton couldn't play Mystique. Unless Mystique's mutant power morphed into her just uttering a nonsensical and unending stream of inanity.

Posted by: Jim at March 16, 2004 09:40 PM

morphed into her just uttering a nonsensical and unending stream of inanity.

No, no--that's what happens if Anna Nicole Smith plays her.

Also, her diguises are instantly given away by the presence of those damn dogs. The dogs, and the whining.

Posted by: ilyka at March 16, 2004 10:42 PM

And here's me thinking Paris Hilton was Mystique. I stand corrected.

Posted by: Simon at March 17, 2004 05:14 AM

Wait, so... guys aren't supposed to like the naked blue lady because she didn't have any lines?

Posted by: Jim Treacher at March 17, 2004 08:19 AM

No, we're definitely supposed to like the naked blue lady. We've been conditioned to do so since early Star Trek. We're just not supposed to think she's a good actress (when she has clothes on).

Posted by: Jim at March 17, 2004 11:22 AM

Being as it's St. Patrick's Day and all, I vote we ogle the green lady. Or the not-work-safe updated version, if you prefer one who isn't, you know, dead.

Posted by: ilyka at March 17, 2004 10:43 PM

I do so enjoy reading posts like this.

Glad you're back, Ilyka.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at March 18, 2004 05:01 AM