So they were supposed to paint my balcony yesterday, which meant I had to haul everything off it lest it be terra-cotta'd permanently. Fine, great; despite my clutterific habits, I've always managed to keep a tidy balcony. Two chairs, a table, a wastebasket . . . in the summertime, a fan and a barbecue grill . . . .

The barbecue grill.

This is Texas. Grilling season starts at Easter here.

Now do you think they painted the patio yesterday? Bonus question: Predict whether they'll paint the patio today. Bonus bonus question: Predict whether they'll paint the patio any time this week.

And now I swear the grill is starting to talk to me from the storage closet.

Doesn't some tandoori chicken sound good?

Sure does.

So then maybe you should take me out of here and get everything set up, huh?

Can't. They're fixin' to paint the patio.

Why?

Apparently this place wasn't ugly enough.

I don't see any painters.

Yeah, me neither.

So you know what you could do? You could take me out and set me up and just take me for a test run real quick--maybe just throw on some brats or something--and then once those are done and I've had a chance to cool down you could put me back and they'd never know!

Bratwursts give me heartburn.

Okay so some steaks! You have steaks in the freezer! I know you do!

How'd you know that?

Steaks are what derailed you from the path of vegetarianism. You always have a package of steaks in the freezer.

Don't tell PETA.

So let's grill some! Right now now now now now!

I told you, I can't. They're supposed to paint the patio. I gotta keep everything off it so they can paint it.

But when are they going to paint the patio?

That is a mystery, impenetrable to the minds of mortal men.

You're a girl.

Figure of speech.

It's dark in here.

Listen, I know it sucks, okay? How d'ya think I feel? You think I wouldn't love some tandoori chicken? Or some Jamaican jerk pork?

I know you would love those things. So take me out.

It doesn't work that way.

I hate you!

Yeah? Well, I guess that means you don't want to see the nice new scrub brush I bought to clean you with last month. And I guess since you don't want to be clean, you might as well stay in that closet all summer long so I don't have to be ashamed of you.

You bought a new grill brush?

I did indeed.

Let me see!

You'll see it when you get out.

No no no I want to see it NOW, see it NOW, see it--

You throwing a temper tantrum in there? I'll bet if I'd bought a nice stand-up Weber instead . . . I'll bet that grill wouldn't be throwing a tantrum right now. Those Weber grills have too much class for that.

But I come from Germany.

And do you know of anything more annoying than a whiny German? Because I don't.

I'm sorry.

That's okay. Listen, I'm going in now. You hang tight in there, okay?

[muffled sobs]

Okay, there is something more annoying than a whiny German. A crying German is definitely more annoying.

Make them come paint the patio.

Buddy, last year I couldn't make them replace the air conditioner. Six weeks of "well, we topped it up with some more freon, see if that helps," before they finally got it through their heads that the whole unit needed replacing. Six weeks covering part of June, all of July, and part of August.

I see that you have issues with your apartment complex.

Boy howdy.

You should move.

End of the year, buddy. End of the year when the lease is up.

And then we will have tandoori chicken whenever we want to.

Well, no. Then it'll be winter. But the summer after that--

This complex will paint the patio before then, though, right?

I hope so. I really, really hope so.

Posted by Ilyka at May 20, 2004 06:45 PM in navel gazing