June 25, 2004

Suicide's Only Painless If You Do It Right

Look, I know this is insensitive of me, and I know some of you might take this a little personally, but honestly, I mean it in the kindest way:

You would-be suicides who pop like 40 pills of this medication and 30 pills of that medication and then wind up in the hospital?

Yeah, you people . . . listen, could you maybe look the damn drugs up on the internet first and make sure they're actually going to kill you? Because otherwise the ER folks are just going to shove 50 grams of charcoal down your gut and you really won't like that; nor will you like it if you wind up with some debilitating chronic condition for the rest of your life because, baby, if you think you're depressed now, try living with hepatic encephalopathy.

(In all seriousness, if you're actually thinking of killing yourself, for heaven's sake call a hotline.)

And now not in all seriousness, let's do remember that anything worth doing is worth doing right. Right? Right!

ADDENDUM: Confidential to the would-be suicide who inspired this post: Not only do you not know which prescription drugs to take to off yourself, you don't even know where the other nonprescription drugs you're taking come from.

Which I guess is why you flipped off the sweet Asian-American physician who attended you, and told him your drug addiction was all his fault because "his country" supplies "all the drugs" in the U.S. Now honey, I typed that tox screen, so let's review:

Opium comes from Afghanistan;

Cocaine comes from Bolivia;

Methamphetamine comes from Missouri;

And THC comes from--well, okay, the best stuff comes from Thailand. But something tells me you're not smoking the best stuff. So, Mexico.

Really, I think I can be forgiven for muttering "Better luck next time" as I finished this report.

Posted by Ilyka at June 25, 2004 03:29 AM in in praise of idleness

I knew you were working late. Mwheh.

Posted by: Emma at June 25, 2004 04:56 AM

you are a hard woman, if you need forgiveness for that.

Posted by: rammer at June 25, 2004 04:57 AM

Thai stick has lost it's preeminence. Local micro-growers are putting out seriously kick ass weed that'll blow the doors off of anything on the regular import list.

Not that I would know anything about that. I just pick things up in conversation.

Posted by: Jim at June 25, 2004 02:39 PM

I guess working in a hospital, people get a little insensitive in order to cope with what they see every day.

My cousin had a patient who had failed at suicide by trying to shoot himself under the chin, and the gun slipped. She referred to him, not where he could hear, I hope, as the phantom of the opera.

Posted by: Allison at June 25, 2004 04:46 PM

Oddly enough, I was playing/singing "Suicide Is Painless" today. Good tune -- lyrics get clunky, but you gotta love, "The game of life is hard to play / I'm going to lose it anyway."

Posted by: jdc at June 26, 2004 12:07 AM