July 20, 2004

A Purely Feminine Perspective on Spiderman 2

I think by now it's apparent I'm not the girliest girl out there, but nonetheless sometimes it's as though Anna Wintour barges into my head and I can't shut her up. Which means that for portions of the movie my stream of consciousness went like this:

Oh my God who are they kidding with her hair no way unh-uh that is not at all MJ hair--look at it all greasy and 1990s Seattle with the I-put-the-barrette-in-just-after-shooting-up-that's-why-it's-crooked look and when's the last time she had that mess cut, huh? When mine looks like that--wait, mine does look like that, just not that color. Which I guess is why the other day when I didn't bother to pin it up and I said "Man, I really need to get my hair cut," the boyfriend promptly replied, "Yeah, you really do," and I was too flabbergasted to get out even a lame line like "Thanks for your support, asshole." But that's me and I get paid like $0.075 per 65-character line of type and I firmly believe that no haircut beats a $12 haircut every time so until I can afford that girl at Toni & Guy who knows how to do my hair it's just too bad, so sad--but damn, what's Kirsten Dunst's excuse? Who allowed hair like that in this movie? And the color. Did they cheap out on a colorist for this flick? Did someone buy the wrong box of Clairol or what? Where's that unnatural MJ red like in the comics huh? Didn't they get it right for the last one? I think they did. I remember it as being seriously knock-you-on-your-ass red in the last one, but it's been awhile. I guess if I were like a serious fan I would have seen it 38 times by now . . . but come on, there is no excuse for this Nancy Drew strawberry blonde crap. Why do they call it strawberry blonde, anyway? This looks more like Velveeta to me.

And did she do something to her nose? Oh man, I think she's been getting the nose narrowed. Badly. You know that's what I never did the other day that I meant to, look her up on the IMDB and see if that was her in that awful movie I saw on the WB, that one that was like a sad ABC Afterschool Special where she's about the least-convincing pregnant teenager in the northern hemisphere. If that was her she's come a long way since then except wait, didn't she start out in Interview with the Vampire? I think that's right. So the teen pregnancy movie would have been a real step back but I guess it's hard for child actors--no, she definitely did something to the nose. Stupid girl, that was so stupid! So you have a wide nose, so deal with it. No one's looking at your nose anyway seeing as how they always manage to get you dripping wet and braless in these movies . . . aaaaannnd yup, what'd I say, did I call that or did I call that? How come the fusion thingie is pulling in taxicabs from blocks away but she's just standing there not five yards from it looking googly-eyed at Parker like they're in the middle of Central Park on a fine spring day or something? It's the hair I'll bet. Even the fusion thingie knows that her hair is just wrong and will have no part of it. It's probably sitting there going, no way, bring me the REAL MJ and I'll suck her into a flaming death, but this gal with the Cabbage Patch doll rhinoplasty who sprayed Cheez Whiz on her head?--Forget it, you can't fool me, I'm fusion, not a retard. Hey, that Tobey Maguire has really buffed up pretty nicely here. You know, filmmakers, as long as you have Spidey's mask off . . . .

Posted by Ilyka at July 20, 2004 03:19 AM in trivia

OMG, I thought I was the only person on earth to notice how totally crappy she looked. She looked like a junkie.

Thank you, thank you, thank you....

Posted by: Rosemary the Queen of All Evil at July 20, 2004 05:41 AM

Let me give you the male perspective:

"That Kirsten Dunst isn't so hot. They spend $200 million on a movie and she's all they could find? What was Cameron Diaz doing that week? Still, can't wait for the wet dress with boobs almost exposed scene at the end. I'll bet if Spider-Man got his sh!t together he could score with so many chicks he wouldn't even dream of settling for plain MJ. Hell he'd be more tempted by the son of that baddie from the first one they've now set up to be the baddie in Number 3...if he was gay...which he isn't...not that there is anything wrong with that. Gee Seinfeld was a good show. Are we at the wet dress scene yet?"

Posted by: Simon at July 20, 2004 08:20 AM

Allow me to give you the tough chick interpretation:

"I could kick her ass. Skinny bitch."

Posted by: Helen at July 20, 2004 09:38 AM

The more simplistic guy interpretation:



Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 12:36 PM

No, Cameron Diaz is Toby McGuire's age, don't you know that the girl in movies has to be 10 years younger than the guy? Hollywood has a rule about that.

Posted by: Allison at July 20, 2004 08:32 PM

Allison?--Word. Thirty years younger if the film stars Jack Nicholson.

And Rosemary's right: Junkie. Straight up junkie-lookin'. And can someone tell me what was up with the crack whore daughter of Peter's landlord? She's sitting there eating cake with him and he's all finished and she still has some left on the plate and I'm thinking, FINISH THE FUCKING CAKE before you DIE! My goodness.

Posted by: ilyka at July 20, 2004 10:29 PM

What was the point of the Russian girl cake eating scene? Unless she somehow figures in the next movie, it was completely pointless.

Posted by: mark at July 20, 2004 10:46 PM

Well, it was pretty obvious she liked Peter (Russian anorexia girl), but I think it was mainly a mushy set-up for the note from Aunt May.

Ok, KD wasn't perfect in terms of looks. I like her chemistry with TG.

That said, if you think MJ was miscast, who SHOULD have been MJ?

Posted by: Lachlan at July 21, 2004 01:34 AM

It wasn't the actress I disliked. It's her interpretation of Mary Jane Watson.

MJ was and is the most kick-ass superhero love interest, ever. She's confident, strong, independent, and does not waste away like a week-old tomato waiting for her boyfriend to notice her. I really hate this dishrag MJ that they're writing into the Spidey flicks.

I understand it's not the comic book. But they got JJJ right, and they got Peter right, and they got the Goblin right, and Harry is close enough.

Hello, 21st century here, no dishrags need apply.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at July 21, 2004 03:00 AM

I didn't get the whole Russian girl thing either. Unless they were worried they hadn't covered the slowly starving to death while looking doe-eyed and desperately wanting to f*ck the brains out of the renter my bastard landlord Dad keeps harassing for rent.

Otherwise she'll be back as the woman spurned in Spidey 3. It really p!ssed me off they ruined the end with all that setting up of the sequel. It just makes it all soooooo franchise.

And point taken on the age gap thing. But in this case it'd mean Tobey would be hitting on a 12 year old and they'd be changing the name to Lolitta.

Posted by: Simon at July 21, 2004 08:49 AM

True, but doesn't KD have the body of a twelve-year-old?

Posted by: Fraulein N at July 21, 2004 05:28 PM

Belive it or not, TM is 29, so that makes the ten year age gap right on, if my guess as to KD's age is right. Also, the reason for the cast was that the director of this one likes really interesting faces, not necessarily drop-dead georgeous ones. All of the characters were less than stereotypically beautiful people. Besides, Hollywood loves taking the "attainable-looking" babe and making her the star, think Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing. Cut, yes, Patrick Swayze material? Ha. The 'ugly' sister would have totally eclipsed her without her ugly wig and angular, flaw-amplifying makeup. I'll say the same thing about Jennifer Anniston and Courtney Cox. Cortney is twice as beautiful, but always 10 lbs too skinny, wearing something goofy, hair three shades too dark, or just plain too far back from the camera. That's so Jennifer can be the "sexy one". Not to be argumentative or anything, I didn't read the comic, so I don't know the comic MJ version. But I kind of liked the movie for having non-perfect-looking stars.

Posted by: Allison at July 21, 2004 08:36 PM

MJ doesn't need to be perfect. But she IS a model, and she needs to be beautiful.

And she needs to be strong, goddammit.

Gwen was the dishrag. She got dropped off a bridge and died.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at July 22, 2004 06:29 AM

mj in the comics was a hot chick whith super self confidence. the movie mj is but ugly and and couldn't be a model in real life.

Posted by: Galactus at July 31, 2004 06:37 PM

the "Russian Girl" is Ursula, or something... And the purpous of the cake scene waqs to introduce her because she plays Black Cat in part 3.

Posted by: BN at December 3, 2004 03:53 AM

>What was the point of the Russian girl cake eating scene? Unless she somehow figures in the next movie, it was completely pointless.

No, it doesn't. It shows that even when Peter Parker is down and out, his spirit shines through and can appeal to another kindred spirit, and by soothed by her, one who knows nothing about his problems (except that represented by her dad). You're missing the fact that the interaction between the Russian girl and Peter at the boarding house echoes the unrequited love between Peter and Mary Jane. He can accept the Russian girl's kindness, in part as an act of kindness in return, because he too well understands her longing. That is one of many precious scenes in this movie -- which could not have been the stunning success it is without the fine acting of all principals. The notion that Kirsten Dunst should have been flipped for CAmeron Diaz, as one poster suggested, is nonsense on stilts.

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Posted by: hfhef at October 12, 2005 04:47 AM