I think Dr. Alice requested a medical transcription anecdote from me a couple weeks ago. I haven't really had any of these because I am lucky: I transcribe physicians anymore who are really super-awesome dictators. (It always sounds so weird to call them "dictators," though for all I know they are that way to work with, actually.)

I mean they are so cool that when one of them dictated half a 5-minute dictation in a poorly-done Irish brogue, I not only didn't mind, I loved it--particularly when he made the aside, "this is hard!" midway through it. Yes, doctor. A good Irish brogue that doesn't sound hella cheesy is a difficult thing. I figure he did it on a dare or a bet or something. Anyway, more doctors should feel free to have fun with accents. Unless they already have accents, in which case I would like to take a moment to broadcast this request to the fine people of India:

Please: When someone praises your English--which is usually very, very good, don't get me wrong on this--please do not take that as license to speak at a rate of 300 words per minute. Because I guarantee you there are still some words you are just not pronouncing correctly at all and when you say them real fast?--Yes, thank you. I knew you would understand.

Anyway, nothing's perfect. Despite the preponderance of wonderful, clear-speaking, fabulous doctors for whom I transcribe emergency reports, there still always have to be a couple "special" cases. These have been nicknamed, without affection, Dr. Homey Don't Play That and Dr. Rules Are For Other, Lesser Beings.

You might have surmised that these two probably have the same principal flaw.

You might as well congratulate yourself because, BINGO.

See, neither Dr. Homey Don't Play That nor Dr. Rules Are For Other, Lesser Beings thinks it is worth his or her time to include such trivial information as:

--The patient's name

--The date of visit

--A birthdate?

--A sex?

--Maybe a chart number?

--Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

And the thing is . . . the thing is . . . the thing is, we have like a system that more or less does this for the doctors. I think they have to punch in a thing or two--okay, I have no idea actually what they have to punch in, but the point is, I'm assured by my company that yes, there is a system by which they can make sure all that information is contained in the dictation without having to do very much to bring that happy circumstance about.

And the other thing is, all the other physicians do whatever that magical thing is they do to get all the patient information in the dictation already, so that I don't have to try to make out a hastily-mumbled name that HEAVEN FORBID WE SHOULD EVER SPELL, like 95% of the time. I could forgive accidents. I could forgive "sometimes" or "once in awhile." But Drs. Homey Don't Play That and Rules Are For Other, Lesser Beings? They're on more of a "never" kick with the patient information. Maybe they have a bet on with each other, I don't know.

This would be annoying, but still merely a minor nuisance, except for one other commonality these two share: Unrestrained cheerfulness and vivacity.

I mean, they leave this I-don't-know-I-kind-of-thought-it-was-maybe-important? information off all their dictations. They've been told not to leave this stuff off--trust me, I verified that much before I started complaining here--and not only are they unrepentant and determined to continue leaving this stuff off, but they both - sound - so - freaking - HAPPY - about it. Like you know the weather gals--don't tsk-tsk at me; they usually are women, admit it--that your local news stations have? These two sound like that.

"Hi! This is Dr. Homey Don't Play That Dictating on a Patient Indecipherable Lopez, whose sex, birthdate, account number or, heck, date of visit I can't be bothered to provide you! Chief complaint is nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea x3 days!" Hi! This is an underpaid transcriptionist who yearns to type, "Use the ADT feed, you cretin, or never get another report back from me again" instead of what you actually just said there!

There's nothing I can do, though. I took a survey, and I'm not the only one irritated by it, and complaints have been made, and counselings have taken place, and, you know, what can you do? These guys ultimately make the rules; they're the customers.

And Rules Are For Other, Lesser Beings.