December 15, 2004

All the World Owes Me Some Tail

Michele touches on just one reason I don't read weblogs like Hog on Ice: It's the generalizing, stupid.

The only thing I could add is that sometimes I think there were mamas out there who did their jobs a little too well when it came to filling a boy's head with self-esteem. I think about going back in time and having a little talking-to with them:

Me: Mrs. H?

Mrs. H: Yes, dear?

Me: I wanted to talk to you about little Stevie.

Mrs. H: Oh, I do hope he hasn't been in any trouble--

Me: No, no. Well, not really. Not yet. It's just, I gather you've spent a lot of hours taking really good care of him--

Mrs. H: Why, thank you. I try my best--

Me: --and that's great, really, but see, he's got hold of this idea that he's the most precious amazing wonderful awesome adorable little guy--

Mrs. H: Isn't he, though?

Me: Well, with all due respect, Mrs. H, he is to you. The problem is what happens when he grows up.

Mrs. H: When little Stevie becomes a man, at least I'll know I did my level best to teach him self-esteem.

Me: Self-esteem, yeah--see, that's what I'm here to talk about. There's . . . there's self-esteem that comes from good works and good character development, and then there's . . . listen, Mrs. H., I have to level with you: You may be giving little Stevie some unrealistic expectations about the world of adulthood.

Mrs. H: Unrealistic?

Me: Apparently little Stevie grows up so assured of his innate wonderfulness that he, ah, he can't . . . he can't understand why women aren't lining up to show him the love, if you know what I mean.

Mrs. H: They aren't?

Me: Apparently not, Mrs. H. I'm sorry.

Mrs. H: Why, my poor baby!

Me: Mrs. H, I feel for you, I do, but frankly, that poor baby of yours grows up to be a bitter old asshole.

Life isn't fair. Love is even less so. You can either work with what you've got or blame what you don't got on 50-odd percent of the world's population.

Which is more practical?

UPDATE 12/15/2004: This excerpt from an email today from the boyfriend is too good not to share:

Actually, the only reason I was reading the comments was because I saw that Michelle [with ONE 'l', honey!--ed.] had shut them down. So, obviously, I was curious as to why. And what do I see, the second to last post is my girlfriend saying "I'll let the site owner be the judge of that." And I think, that's my girl, getting too rowdy and closing the bar early.
I am not sentimental and I do not watch the Lifetime channel and I do not "aww" at much, but I totally "aww'd" at that. And people wonder why I stick to him like Press 'n Seal. Posted by Ilyka at December 15, 2004 12:31 AM in hell is other people

I knew you'd be posting on this. (not that you're predictable or anything) (just saying)

Posted by: Ith at December 15, 2004 12:59 AM

You know -- I'm getting pretty fucking sick and tired of missing all the good shit. I'm going to e-mail you my cell number so you can send me a message when the shit gets thick out here, kay?

That having been said:

Guess what? My husband and I (although we may be disqualified because we're technically still "newlyweds" -- married 2 years 11/29/04) watch HGTV - AND - pr0n together. I like sex. A lot. I never borrowed/accepted money from him when we were dating. He did, however, surprise me during that time when I had a bastard boss bounce my paycheck and couldn't afford groceries -- he bought about a weeks' worth and when I came home from work, he was in my kitchen, cooking dinner. I have -- and will NEVER -- use sex as a weapon on him. If I'm pissed off at him for whatever reason, I will state so, unequivocally and we will then proceed to have make-up sex. We have had "grudge fucking" but only in more of a role-playing fashion. He has as much or as little "privacy" as he wants. However, we pretty much discuss everything in an open and above-board fashion. If he wants to take a dump by himself, who am *I* to intrude? Finally, we decided to purchase a big-ticket item for each other for Christmas. The item? A bed. Why? BECAUSE WE WORE THE OLD ONE OUT. And I guess we sort of whored ourselves to get the bedroom set. But it was mutual whoredom, trust me. Heh.

It has taken me 40 years to get to this level of trust and communication with the love of my life, my boyfriend, my lover and my husband. Hopefully, someday, Steve will find this sort of happiness. And he will be embarrassed by his post. I hope.

Every one of us has been burned and then turned around and made generalizations. Most of us do it over a beer/shot/soft drink with our closest friends. You know, for some sympathy.

After reading that drivel, I can only say that as far as *I'm concerned, he can find sympathy between shit and syphillis in the dictionary.

PFFFT. Wanker.

Posted by: Margi at December 15, 2004 10:11 AM

None of this is helping me. My question is: How can I prevent so many women from hitting on me? I've tried everything. Skipping showers just enhances the attraction of my natural musk. Wearing tight, unfashionable terrycloth shorts apparently just draws attention to my chiseled quadriceps and...other stuff. I try talking all the time and not listening, but apparently what I say is so fascinating that it justs draws women closer to me.

Can you help?


Woeful in West Palm

Posted by: Hubris at December 15, 2004 03:55 PM

I love this post, because my current pet peeve is those who preach, "Everybody Is Secretly Just Like Me!"

The Steves of the world need to meet some different kinds of people, but can they change their own misconceptions enough to even take notice of the diversity out there?

There are female versions of Steve, too. Unfortunately.

Posted by: jdc at December 15, 2004 11:07 PM

Awww, that is worthy of an awww :)

(and press and seal is a damn fine product!) (thought I'd mention that)

Posted by: Ith at December 16, 2004 12:14 AM

Too funny -- I got sucked into composing one of my typically long-winded responses to this and it was like you had read my mind...

Nice post.

Posted by: Cassandra at December 16, 2004 03:56 PM