April 13, 2005

You Can't Eat Respect, Either

Hey. Listen up: I've got this great idea to score me some much-needed cash. Great, I tell you.

In fact, it's foolproof.

How's this for simplicity: All I have to do is get myself invited over for dinner at my parents'. I'll excuse myself to go to the bathroom, then sneak into their bedroom and steal my mom's LDS temple clothing--the clothes worn solely inside the temple, now; very very sacred stuff if you believe in such things--anyway, I'm gonna smuggle it outta there and then I'm gonna sell it on eBay.

GENIUS, right? I know. I amaze myself sometimes.

But . . . wait. Wait a sec . . . how much do you think I could actually get for one lousy outfit?

I mean, my mom's not really famous or anything. She's just an ordinary Mormon. She's not, you know, the head of the LDS church. She's not like the Pope.

Ah-HA! That's it!

I'll steal the prophet's temple clothing! How hard could that be? Oh, sure, I'll have to get myself to Salt Lake City somehow . . . and I'm guessing his house probably has a security system . . . yeah, there's definitely going to be more risk and effort involved here . . . definitely . . . but if I can pull it off, then all I have to do is . . .

. . . wait until he dies (can't be much longer now; the guy's 95!) and then, BAM! I'm RICH! Look out, eBay--here I come!

Oh, wait.

Wait again. I can't sell obviously stolen goods like that on eBay. They'd never allow it.

But what if . . . what if . . . ooh, this is good! What if I simply showed up at some services the prophet was presiding over and grabbed me some sacrament? Sure, it's just crumbled-up white bread, and the Mormons don't believe in transubstantiation or anything cuckoo like that, so I'm probably not going to fetch quite as much as the guy who held onto his consecrated host from the mass with Pope John Paul II all this time.

Oh, and I guess I'll have to find some way to keep it from going moldy, too, huh? Sigh. Mormons!

Maybe this isn't such a great idea after all. Unless the prophet kicks the bucket pretty quickly, I'm going to be stuck selling a crumb of moldy bread on the internet.

Never even mind that then I'd have to actually . . . attend Mormon church again. Oh yeah, I know, it'd just be that once, but people, Mormon services are three hours long. That's a three-hour tour Ilyka don't wanna take. Now tack on another hour for mass (what? I can't miss mass! I'd have to confess that!--What do you mean, "stealing?"), and we're talking four hours of Sunday spent.

I'm bummed now. I really thought this had such promise there for a minute.

Other than the logistical hurdles, though, I don't see any problem, you know, morally. After all, it's not my religion anymore, is it? I'M certainly not a believer. So if a bunch of Mormons were to, uh, get upset at my little plan, and send me emails or whatever . . . no biggie, right? I got a "delete" key.

I guess some people might think it's a little disrespectful to sell something like that, but honestly, they just need to get over it. They sell Books of Mormon, don't they? What's the difference? Why can't I get my little slice of the pie here?

Yeah, respect. Please. Respect don't pay the bills around here. So honestly: Who needs it?

(Via Some Have Hats.)

Posted by Ilyka at April 13, 2005 02:30 AM in i don't know you tell me

I ate one wafer then I went back and got another one to save and he gave me another one, but I did get a very dirty look!

Yeah, I bet he did. What a clod! If he's not Catholic, he should not have even been receiving Communion in the first place. I'm Lutheran, so we also believe in the Real Presence in communion. However, I would never take communion in a Catholic Church because our understanding of the Real Presence is different from the Catholic understanding.

What he is doing is not only disrespectful, but blasphemous as well.

Posted by: susan b. at April 13, 2005 05:03 AM

Hey, guess what? We don't have to bother with the sacraments or stealing people's temple garments. Check out www.savetoby.com. All we need is a cute bunny -- you can get those at the pound. And this guy has raised 24,000 -- a lot better than the pitiful 2,000 a consecrated host brings.

I believe this is when we say "What is the world coming to?"

Posted by: Karen at April 13, 2005 07:36 AM

I have this vision of you sneaking around your parents' house stealing clothes, and I don't even know what you look like!

Posted by: Ith at April 14, 2005 12:21 AM

You know, you laugh, but my brother had a similar money-making scheme some months ago. Brother is an Orthodox Jew who takes his religion pretty seriously, and is half amused/half offended by the recent surge in popularity of the new-agey Kabballah branch of Judaism. So he had this idea to sell "Kabballah candles", "Kabballah wine", "Kabballah bracelets", and such. He never did put his plan into action; I should remind him again. Maybe I should see if I can sell my Kabballah pottery, which might fetch some more money if I say that it has some religious significance.

Posted by: Moebius Stripper at April 14, 2005 04:01 PM