May 12, 2005

Maximum Suck

Of course the minute I finished typing out that title I started questioning it: Has this blog actually achieved maximum levels of suck? Maybe it could yet suck more, and given that I write it . . . yeah. So think of it as approaching maximum suck. Maximum suck in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . .

I was actually going to tell you yesterday that the reason for the extreme suckage is that I am moving beginning of June and have thus been Very Very Busy; but that is a lie. The real reason is that I have become hooked on the forums. The forums are . . . they're kind of . . . well, they're a little like FARK but with better quality control. A better quality-to-suck ratio.

This is mostly due to the ceaseless efforts of Pinkerton's team of moderators, particularly his girlfriend, and as much as I'm enjoying the non-suck humor efforts of the participants on the forums, I have to admit I'm enjoying her treatment of the suck efforts almost as much, if not more. So far my favorite has been her handling of the guy who, after being hassled by a local policeman for wearing an offensive t-shirt, retaliated by calling 911 and singing verses of "Fuck tha Police" to the dispatcher.

Read that again: Our Hero tied up the emergency line to sing the only rap lyrics white kids know by heart to an innocent third party who had nothing to do with his dumb problem. Except, he didn't know the lyrics by heart; he had them, I'm not kidding, written down in his pocket. Written down. Carried on his person. In case of emergencies just such as this one, the sort of incident which the rest of us would classify more as Definitely-Not-An-Emergency, You-Fucking-Cretinous-Pusmonger.

And still he walks the earth a free man. There is no justice in this life.

I do nothing more than lurk on sites like these, obviously. For one thing I don't own a copy of Photoshop and for another, more important thing, I don't own any talent.

So that's been my latest time-waster, my way of avoiding the latest inevitable, this chore of moving. I'm not going to go into a big riff about how much moving sucks, because that would be sort of like going into a big riff about breaking up with someone or losing a job or--we've all been there, we all already know, and we've all already thought up enough funny things to say about how rotten it is. Enough.

I'll be honest with you, I also seem to have a case of the blahs that have been going around. Lately I'm tempted not to update at all and am only driven to post by the flood of trackback and comment spam that descends on this site if I'm away from it for more than three or four days. Then I think, what I should do is email my kind host Pixy Misa and ask him to just wipe this bitch and subsume the server space back into the collective, where it can eventually be used in the service of good instead of mediocrity. Wouldn't that really be for the best? You're as tired of looking at that Lego caricature up there as I am, admit it.

Speaking of my good host, I do prefer his handling of that New York Times piece about blogging to any other. It's been linked all over, that NYT article, but if you haven't read it I'll summarize: The New York Times is all, "These bloggers, they're all like hassling us for not doing our jobs fact-checking, you know, like our research and stuff, and yet they're all, like, totally unprofessional and irresponsible and, you know, partisan, and it's just like, I mean, who does their fact-checking, you know?"

Actually, it would have been shorter if I'd just summarized that with, "It quotes Wonkette as a blogging authority." Does that not tell you everything you need to know about it right there? Because if that doesn't, it should. They needed to speak with An Actual Blogger, so they called up some Denton-paid ditz, a creature whose greatest notoriety was achieved by pimping the journal of a whoring Washinton intern.

Anyway, Pixy rebuts the New York Times beautifully. You should read it. (And thanks, Jim, for the tip.)

Finally I am enjoying the debut of Huffington's Toast, because good parody brings a tear to my eye. What's not to love about Arianna Huffington?

Some have complained that Arianna’s blog does not permit comments. Please do not be offended. It is just that readers would be confused to see the ignorant ravings of proles and potato-eaters, side by side with the genius of John Cusack and Paris Hilton.
It's so moving the way she's always looking out for people. Having God on your side is nice, but having Arianna is even better. Posted by Ilyka at May 12, 2005 07:00 PM in i don't know you tell me

Nah, you're not at maximum suck. The posts are very infrequent but the quality of the posts themselves is still fairly decent. Good news though - You can achieve suckitude fairly quickly if you devolve to cat blogging.

Posted by: Jim at May 12, 2005 07:33 PM

I'd need a digital camera to do cat-blogging. And I'd need the little vermin to sit still for the photographing, and . . . no. Just no. It's never going to happen.

Posted by: ilyka at May 12, 2005 07:41 PM

I think I'm approaching the speed of suck--time and my aging process are slowing down.

Posted by: Hubris at May 12, 2005 08:53 PM

Even better then. Take cat pictures off of other peoples' weblogs and post about how adorable they are. That's like catblogging squared!

Posted by: Jim at May 12, 2005 09:38 PM

You know what really sucks? The person who writes way better than you do thinks her blog sucks.

Posted by: Rob at May 13, 2005 04:08 AM

Amen Rob. Amen! Testify!

Posted by: Margi at May 13, 2005 04:47 AM

Seriously, as long you're going to post something like THIS once every...whenever, I'll keep coming back.

Posted by: Moebius Stripper at May 13, 2005 03:48 PM

1) Your suckitude is so nonexistent, I'd accuse you of being a "suckage vacuum," but that would confuse everyone. It confuses me.

2) I love your Lego figurine!

Posted by: Attila Girl at May 15, 2005 09:24 AM

If this is Maximum Suck, then allow me to unzip my files here, lean back, and get a li'l more comfortable... ;)

Posted by: Ciggy at May 16, 2005 06:43 PM