August 26, 2005

Experiments in Parapsychology

Check it out, y'all: I've been up to a little something lately that's yielded the most fascinating results. I've just got to share:

I've been studying with a medium lately, and he (yes, mediums can be male, silly) has taught me to channel the spirits of those who have passed on to the other side.

It's mind-blowing. Seriously. You can't even imagine how cool.

At first, I couldn't remember the results of my channeling sessions. I'd come out of the trance and have to ask my medium, Chaucer (what? That's his name!), whether anything had happened. And then Chaucer would relate the results of my session.

"You talked to Nefertiti, girl. It was amazing. She said I should go with the granite countertops when I remodel the kitchen this fall. Oh!--and she said that turquoise blouse you bought last month needs to go and she means like immediately. 'Burn it.' Those were her exact words, girl."

But as time has passed I've got better and better at this whole channeling thing, to the point where I don't need Chaucer to summarize the results afterward. I'm actually remembering it on my own now! Which is great, because I was starting to wonder what the odds were that every famous dead person I channeled would have an opinion on Chaucer's upcoming kitchen remodel.

Anyway, here's what it all boils down to: All your dead relatives and like every dead president, prime minister, king, queen, etc.--they all want you to vote Republican in 2008.

They say it's very important. "Vote the straight Republican ticket"--those were Winston Churchill's exact words. Your grandmother's, too.

What? Why are you all scowling like that? What's offensive about this?

What's so offensive about speaking for the dead?

Posted by Ilyka at August 26, 2005 11:09 PM in hell is other people | TrackBack

I can just about guarantee that those would have been Papa's exact words too. With something added about how drinking vegetable juice increases virility.

Posted by: Jim at August 27, 2005 02:22 PM

Yeah, but mine keep telling me to vote for William Howard Taft, and won't believe me when I tell them he's in no condition to run.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at August 28, 2005 05:19 AM

he's in no condition to run.

Ah, was he ever?

Posted by: ilyka at August 29, 2005 01:29 AM