April 29, 2006

The Essence of Immaturity

Last night my boyfriend cooked us a fish entree--this stuff, in fact, but with cod instead of catfish. That meant I had to mix up a batch of the spice mix used for it: Emeril Lagasse's "essence." It's just paprika and cayenne and oregano and thyme with garlic and onion powders, plus salt and pepper--no big deal.

It didn't even strike me that funny at the time, that there's some goof out there calling a pedestrian spice mixture like that his essence. I was only annoyed that I hadn't halved the recipe, because we wound up with way too much of this stuff.

Today, however . . . .

"Oh, hey--your soup?"


"It's been kicked up a notch."

"Did you--"

"Yup. Partake of his essence!"

"Damnit, I knew there was something--all I can taste is thyme. It's like Thyme with Bacon. Here, taste it."

"No way, I hate bean with bacon. Besides, I'm not that kind of girl."

"Would you quit saying things like that?"

"I don't understand about the thyme, though. I only used a little. Just enough for you to be able to savor Emeril's essence."

"STOP it! I can't even look at this stuff now."

"I'm sorry. I thought it essential."

"Let's essence up your salad."

"NO! I--oh wow, that is just sick if you think about it."

"How do you think I feel?"

"'Waiter, there's an essence in my soup.'"

"Why didn't you just douse the hot dogs in it while you were kicking things up a notch?"

"Yeah . . . I could have hollowed them out, you know, and put the essence IN them. So it'd be more--"

"I'm throwing the essence away. It's not having a good effect on you."

"No way! I used the last of my garlic powder for that shit!"

UPDATE: It occurs to me that in substituting cod for catfish, my boyfriend won himself an evening of rubbing another man's essence into his cod pieces.


Posted by Ilyka at April 29, 2006 01:43 PM in were you going to finish that?

Damn you, ilyka....

I ALMOST sprayed my laptop with iced tea...

rubbing another man's essence into his cod pieces.


Drink warning next time, 'k?


Posted by: Darleen at April 29, 2006 02:51 PM

To hell with the cod piece joke -- that is one great dialogue stream!

Have you ever read a story in which the writer tells us what was said ("She told me she had put his essence in my hotdog, which I must admit was oddly exciting!") instead of just showing us? So irritatingly bad. And ya can't help those people; I've tried.

Posted by: JD at April 29, 2006 03:55 PM

The first time I ever saw Emeril's Essence, I had an involuntary image of it being produced by putting a vat of his sack sweat through a distillation process.

Posted by: Hubris at April 29, 2006 04:23 PM

oh, dammit...you're going to get me kicked out of the library if i can't stop laughing.

and i will never watch Emeril again the same way.

Posted by: sly civilian at April 29, 2006 06:27 PM

I like your original comment that Emeril's whatever is fairly pedestrian.

Posted by: Zendo Deb at April 29, 2006 07:48 PM
Have you ever read a story in which the writer tells us what was said

Oh, yes. You know what I hate even worse, though, is when the writer gets sick of using "he said" and "she said," starts looking for synonyms for "said," and just winds up getting way too jiggy with it, so that next thing you know the characters are expositing and articulating and ruminating and postulating and querying and crowing all over the pages like a bunch of damn ANIMALS.

Animals. Hopped up on ESSENCE.

Posted by: ilyka at April 29, 2006 09:51 PM

Yes, I've seen the "he said, she said" replacement go too far like that. The most amusing was while reading an old 1930s era serial novel and discovering "ejaculated" used as one would "exclaimed."

I hope Emeril never ejaculates about his essence on his show. Think of the children!!!

Posted by: Afaeyre Maede at April 30, 2006 01:15 AM

I posted this comment just for the HALIBUT!

For the HALIBUT!


Posted by: Jim Treacher at April 30, 2006 03:59 AM

Totally gives new meaning to Emeril's "BAM!"

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at May 1, 2006 12:40 PM

You are The. Best. I had a horrible Monday and you made me laugh. Thank you.

I'll never be able to watch Emeril Live again, though. Well, not without the snickering.


Posted by: Margi at May 1, 2006 11:47 PM

If it's good with some spices, it's always better with more.

Come on, in your heart you know it's true.


Posted by: Dean Esmay at May 3, 2006 01:04 AM