June 16, 2006

Barbie Ho!

I'm not putting this in the "feminism" category because I gotta be honest: I can't get too feministically upset about Barbie. Yeah, "Math is hard!" was a stupid thing to have Talking Barbie say. Yeah, Barbie's original dimensions were preposterous. Yeah, no one ever believed in "Barbie the Astronaut" for a second.

Come on. We all know Barbie's a bimbo. We all know Barbie's a shitty role model. And yes, I think it's pretty clear that Barbie's being depicted as a prostitute here. "Celebrates the working woman," my ass. The only maids who work in 4-inch heels exist solely in Penthouse letters.

I went through my little-girl "I wuv Barbie" phase. I went through my "I'm too old to play with Barbies anymore, but I'm not PLAYING with her, I'm just POSING her" phase. I went through my "Hey, I know--let's BURN Barbie" phase. And I went through my "Barbie is the epitome of sexual objectification and vulgar consumerism" phase.

And that bitch Barbie, do you know what?--She's still here. I have some nutty Oscar De La Renta-costumed Barbie up on the plant shelf in the kitchen right now. There's a Victorian Barbie sitting in the closet somewhere. There's a Princess of Ireland Barbie (oh man, just kill me for even typing that) in the bedroom.

I keep trying to ditch Barbie, but Barbie keeps finding me. Barbie's a codependent. Maybe if I'd only made her sleep with Donny Osmond Barbie, I wouldn't have this problem.

None of this is to say that you can't have lots of derisive snorts and giggles at Barbie's expense right here. Especially this one. Oh, how the caption captivates my inner 12-year-old:

Sleek and elegant, Muffy Roberts™ Barbie® doll

Muffy Roberts. Somewhere in the world is a woman named MUFFY ROBERTS and--AND--she DESIGNS BARBIES, and no one made this up, it's 100% for reals. I am dying.

is dressed for a stylish shopping spree

Barbie won't be coming with me to Wal-mart?

and a bite with the ladies who lunch.

Is there any phrase in all the language as hard on the teeth--the clenched, ever-grinding teeth--as "the ladies who lunch?"

Her flawless ensemble starts with a black and white shantung dress paired with a matching, fuchsia-lined jacket. A coordinating scarf and tricot gloves play brightly against her black straw hat, tricot hose, and stiletto heels.

Because when you're exiting Neiman's laden down with shopping bags, you want to be balancing them all while perched atop stiletto heels. The only way I could be down with these stilettto heels is if Barbie were depicted using them to give a swift kick in the pants to all the LADIES WHO LUNCH.

The final, delightfully appropriate touch?

Wait for it . . .

. . . waaaaaiiit for it . . .

A fluffy, plush, ebony muff!

Oh, Barbie. You forgot the bikini wax.

(Barbie Collector site links all courtesy of the Reclusive Leftist, who's betting that Prostitute Barbie's client "is probably Charlie Sheen," and, well! Can I resist a good dig at Charlie "I spent $27,000 on hookers and not only that, I paid them with checks" Sheen? Nope. Nope, I sure can't.)

Posted by Ilyka at June 16, 2006 02:52 PM in trivia

I never had any Barbies, believe it or not. I am ideologically neutral on the Barbie question, but for some reason she never interested me when I was a kid. But I DO want that outfit. That fabulous 40's outfit she's got on.

And the phrase "David Hasselhoff Barbie" from one of your links up there? Classic nightmare fuel. Eek!!

Posted by: Dr Alice at June 17, 2006 02:36 PM
And the phrase "David Hasselhoff Barbie" from one of your links up there?

I love that post so much I think I've learned it by heart. It just slays me every time that mom thinks David Hasselhoff Barbie is an improvement over Donny Osmond Barbie.

Posted by: ilyka at June 17, 2006 08:16 PM

Never got into Barbie, either, though I was in kindergarten right when the Cabbage Patch Kids fad was at its peak, and I had a pair of those. No contest, as far as I was concerned: the Cabbage Patch Kids were soft and cuddly (heads notwithstanding), and they more or less fit into my old baby clothes. Barbie was small and hard, and so inflexible that I still haven't figured out how to get Spandex Barbie into her gymsuit.

Posted by: Moebius Stripper at June 18, 2006 05:46 PM

I thought if you were coming out of Nieman's in four-inch heels on the way to Lunch with the Ladies, it was Ken who was supposed to be holding those bags - that was his sole job wasn't it?
As far as a guy's perspective; all the male-figures in Barbie-World, the ones with the word Barbie appended to them are simply a temporary Noel Coward type surrogate-substitute/ stand-in while Barbie waited for Gi-Joe to return from combat. Gi-Joe would kick even David Hasslehoff Barbie's ass, that's his job (even quasi-androgenous sailor Joe). :-) And don't get me started about Village People Boy. ;-)

Posted by: DirtCrashr at June 19, 2006 10:56 AM

Math is hard. Heck, I never did complete Calculus.

(Though, really, I blame bad instruction. It would have helped if I'd had a professor who was fluent in English, spoke clearly, and gave me any indication of what the point of anything I was doing, was. But that's another rant.)

Posted by: Sigivald at June 19, 2006 01:51 PM

I failed pre-calculus. Twice. At UC Santa Cruz where we didn't even have grades - thus the Anthro major...

Posted by: DirtCrashr at June 19, 2006 04:31 PM