March 31, 2004

The Bright Side of Life

Iraq has its first battered women's shelter. What a shame that the greatest patron of Iraqi women, Uday Hussein, isn't around to see it, huh?

Oh, but right . . . that doesn't matter. All that matters is BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED. I'll just keep repeating that to myself until my brains turn to gruel and run out both my ears and I fall over dead. Which I'll have done, of course, because BUSH LIED! BUSH LIED AND I DIED! You know something? I'm calling the mortuary right now. I want to make sure they get that on my tombstone. They take reservations, right?

I just know some smartass is going to point out that the shelter is being opened by an Iraqi Communist Workers subsidiary, and so we can't very well thank Mr. Selected-not-Elected for that. Oh, can't we? Let's see: How many competing political parties did there used to be in Iraq again? Saddam got what percentage of the vote the last time around?

Well. I'll just thank the U.S. military for turning Uday into hamburger, then. Is that okay with you?

Or have you got some super-complicated conspiracy theory involving Noam Chomsky, the CIA, Donald Rumsfeld, Skull & Bones, and a troupe of dancing midgets* that proves we never really killed him at all or, if we did, it was a bad--no, a terrible--no, an outright evil thing? Like the very evilest evil thing ever perpetrated in the history of evil? Like more evil than what went down in Nicaragua? Okay . . . I don't actually know what happened in Nicaragua, and frankly, neither do the leftist jokers of the world--but I figure since they're always dying to tell people all about it regardless, working themselves up to the point that they sweat right through their patchouli-soaked Rage Against the Machine t-shirts, that I'd throw that in there to humor them. Um, Sandinista! and all that.

*Actually, I understand they prefer to be referred to as "little people." Sorry about that, midgets.

Posted by Ilyka at March 31, 2004 03:28 PM in hell is other people

I always wanted to be a conspiracy nut but I always get tripped up on the part with the flying wolf-gerbils. Why do there have to be wolf-gerbils involved anyway? And what's flying got to do with it? It's all so confusing. I guess they're better than dancing midget troupes anyway.

Posted by: Jim at March 31, 2004 04:00 PM