January 24, 2005


You can learn all you need to know about a person's politics through a simple game of Marry, F---, Kill.

It's simple: You name three celebrities. The other player(s) decide who to marry, who to sleep with, and who to kill.

The list I gave the boyfriend: Roseanne Barr, Ann Coulter, Margaret Cho.

I'm sorry, Ann fans. It's lucky you're all armed to the teeth so you can exact your revenge on him. Believe me, I tried to talk him out of it:

Me: You're going to marry a self-confessed fag hag who has sworn to stick her finger up your rectum during oral sex.

Boyfriend: I'll get her a gay pool boy. A whole cabana of them, whatever it takes.

The list he gave me: O.J. Simpson, Michael Moore, Michael Jackson.

Me: Let's see: We know all too well what the consequences of marriage to O.J. are, so that's out. I'll have sex with him and marry Michael Jackson. It's not like marriage to Jacko involves actual sex anyway.

Boyfriend: You're going to marry a pedophile just so you can kill Michael Moore.

Me: We'll need a prenup. I'm not paying the bills at Neverland when he goes to jail.

Hours of fun, hours of horror.

But I'll never look at him the same since he admitted he'd have sex with Eleanor Clift--not that the other choices were much better.

Posted by Ilyka at January 24, 2005 02:00 AM in navel gazing | TrackBack

I had a game sorta like that, along the lines of 'which gross thing would you eat, A or B?' You can imagine, I'm sure.

Posted by: liv at January 24, 2005 04:48 AM

Gaah! Janet Reno, Eleanor Clift, and Cokie Roberts?? What kind of unholy trinity is that?

Posted by: Dr Alice at January 24, 2005 05:50 AM

Thank God, I feared I was the only one with a thing for Eleanor Clift.

Though the thought of Cokie growling "harder, harder" in her throaty baritone is kinda tempting.

Posted by: Hubris at January 24, 2005 03:25 PM

Though the thought of Cokie growling "harder, harder" in her throaty baritone

--is going to give me nightmares for a week.

Maybe I should have him reconsider this one. I think he decided to kill Reno, shtup Clift, and marry Roberts. Branch Davidians, you are avenged!

You can give people three celebrity crushes instead of three arf-arfs, and that's cruel too since they have to kill one, but somehow not quite as fun.

Posted by: ilyka at January 24, 2005 06:18 PM

Marry: Roseanne Barr
Screw: Ann Coulter
Kill: Margaret Cho

Barr is the only real marriage material there. She's a kook but at least she has a sense of humor. There might be something there to work with. Plus, after the divorce I'd get to make movies with Arnold Schwarzenneger. Ann might be fun to look at (at least her legs are fine) but that is way too much intense bullshit to live with every day of your life. Little known fact: Margaret Cho is really Michael Moore's reflection in one of those funhouse mirrors.

Posted by: Jim at January 24, 2005 07:15 PM

Oh. My. God.

You have damaged me for life.

I'm sorry, in this case, I choose the tiger.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at January 26, 2005 04:46 AM

Roseanne Barr, Ann Coulter, Margaret Cho?

Sex with Ann Coulter. Kill Margaret Cho. Take own life before wedding to Roseanne Barr.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at January 26, 2005 10:32 PM