April 15, 2005

The Internet Scold

Someone told me in the comments at another blog that I've earned a rep for being an "internet scold."

This bugged me a little. Not in that "waah, my feelings are hurt" kind of way, but in that "nagging phrase that won't quite leave my mind" kind of way.

Finally I figured out why: It's because it is hands-down the most accurate thing anyone has ever said about me online.

FINALLY, someone's got my number.

It's true! First post I ever had substantial linkage from was a scold. All my most-linked posts have been scolds. Had an old one linked just this week that was a straight-up scold. Some scoff; others scold. I'm in the latter camp.

I scold, therefore I am.

Once I realized this, I was actually pleased because, damn, at least I have finally achieved some sort of consistency in my life. See, offline?--I am a dedicated scolder. Ask my brother what it was like to grow up with a scolding older sister. Ask my boyfriend what it's like to date a scolding woman. Ask my girlfriends what it's like to have lunch with a scolding friend.

My cats can't talk, but if they could?--You would hear an earful about the scolding. "Not only does she let that man in the white coat shove ice-cold thermometers up our butts," they would yowl, "but on top of that, she yells at us for throwing up on the carpet as though that were somehow OUR fault."

So listen, I know it's Friday and no one reads blogs much on Fridays anyhow, nor over the weekend, so maybe this is not strictly the best time for this, but to hell with it: Leave your favorite examples of my haughty scoldishness in the comments if you like. We'll have roast scold for supper. Roast scold with a side of scolding.

Go on. Scold the scolder!

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but this is too good and I only just remembered it, and it's a classic Exhibit A from childhood:

I was once sent home early from a vacation with my grandparents due to scolding.

Oh, there were other factors, but I really think it was the scolding that sealed the deal. I scolded my grandmother for ordering wine with dinner (my grandmother's Mormon).

I don't remember precisely how old I was, but I'm pretty sure I was under 10 at the time. I was a precocious scolder, early wielding the Sword of Scold--against my own grandma.

My dad and I were reminiscing about that time recently and he said, "It's like you failed vacation."

He's right. It is.

Posted by Ilyka at April 15, 2005 08:19 PM in navel gazing

I remember one time you scolded the shit out of me. I deserved it, though, so it doesn't really count.

Now, this scoldiness you speak of -- does it have any connection to feminism? Just thinking out loud.

Posted by: Allah at April 15, 2005 08:59 PM

does it have any connection to feminism?


Probably. Probably a repressed desire to scold someone's very dick off.

Or so goes the conventional wisdom, and who am I to fight the conventional wisdom?

The example you're referencing, was that about the ghoulish-Catholics thing? I was kind of sorry I brought that one up, because I know I only did it out of touchiness on the subject.

I'll scold that asshole on eBay, though. Going back for seconds on communion, at a mass with the Pope? Now that is scoldworthy.

Posted by: ilyka at April 15, 2005 09:14 PM

Yeah, that's the one. I only did it because I'm a (lapsed) Catholic myself and therefore felt entitled to push the envelope a little further than usual. Problem is, my readers didn't know that. So I can't blame you for getting upset.

As I recall, that prompted not only a scolding but a public delinking. How very HundredPercenter of you.

Posted by: Allah at April 15, 2005 09:30 PM

How very HundredPercenter of you.

Ooh. Earned, but still painful.

Posted by: ilyka at April 15, 2005 09:41 PM

Well, this may explain why you can't buy wine...

Posted by: someone at April 15, 2005 11:39 PM

Probably a repressed desire to scold someone's very dick off.

[backs slowly out the door]

Posted by: McGehee at April 16, 2005 05:02 AM

Don't think of it as scolding. Think of it as being right.

I don't think you ever scolded me, except maybe once in a email and it was more like a man up, nancy! kind of thing.

Posted by: michele at April 16, 2005 11:13 AM

Favorite Ilyka scold: Mariane Pearl

"don't anyone come over here and get all up in my grille"

Ilyka Gold.

Posted by: Rob at April 16, 2005 12:08 PM

My favorite scolding is this one: http://ilyka.mu.nu/archives/029427.html

It's not because I was tangled in it, too, but because you say things that only allow people to reply with repartee like: "But...but...!"

You have ways of offering people new sphincter-rippage in ways other people only dream of. I've never been scolded by you, but I remember my first comment on your site, I left about 10 spelling mistakes. I was terrified you'd crucify me and sent me an online version of Hooked-On Phonics.

Thankfully, you didn't.

But I still love your style.

Posted by: Helen at April 16, 2005 05:20 PM

You've never scolded me, even though I have no doubt you could hand my ass to me with ease.

Unfortunately, I think there often tends to be an unfair perception differential based on gender:

Opinionated man = Scolding woman

Kind of like at work:

Confident male boss = Bitchy female boss

While I'm not a fan of delinking, I don't think you could be compared to HundredPercenter. After all, you don't spend most of the day sitting in the corner rubbing shit in your hair.

Posted by: Hubris at April 16, 2005 05:32 PM

I've never been on the receiving end (that I recall), because I've generally been careful to stay on your good side. ;)

Posted by: Attila Girl at April 16, 2005 07:23 PM

Think of it as being right.

In the particular instance in which that tag was applied, I'm happy to say that I do.

Posted by: ilyka at April 16, 2005 07:27 PM

you don't spend most of the day sitting in the corner rubbing shit in your hair.

Only because it's such a bitch hauling all that poop up Mount Sanctimony.

Posted by: ilyka at April 16, 2005 07:31 PM

My favorite Ilyka scold of all time was when you ripped apart Trey in my comments during the Great Carnival Porn Censureship Kerfuffle. And it ended so well - we brought him into the Mu-fold and he's one of our best family friends.

To think, it all started with a scold...

Posted by: Jim at April 16, 2005 07:31 PM

sad to say, i think my first comment on your page was to scold you for something or other. i'll just rename my page, "He Who Scolds the Scolds," now.

Posted by: rammer at April 17, 2005 02:05 AM

The most oft-stated comment when I come here (not OUT LOUD, but in my inner monologue): "Remind me never to piss her off."

Hopefully, I have not done so. Even more hopefully, I WILL not do so. Not that I'm afraid of you -- although there are times. . .


It's because I respect your opinion. A lot.

But that banner? EFFIN PRICELESS. *snorrrt* Love it.

Posted by: Margi at April 19, 2005 08:45 PM

I've told you all this in private, but it's not as if poor old Grandma was just having one glass of wine with dinner, for the sake of her heart. I saw her also buying a six-pack of beer at some country store near the hotel we were staying in, and dear old Aunt _____ tried lying to me and the cousin, said it was "Rut beer." Standard denial routine. When you're Mormon and you drink in quantity, I think it's more than just "letting loose."

WE weren't sent home just 'cuz YOU were obnoxious. Though you were.

Posted by: jdc at April 23, 2005 01:38 AM

"It's not nice to scold," said the bitch.


Let 'em have it!
For the record, I've never been called a scold, but I think it's just because no one has thought of it...yet. ;-)

Posted by: Beth at June 7, 2005 06:36 PM

porfavor donde esta el juego damen.

Posted by: norkis alondra solorzano at November 6, 2005 09:19 AM