August 18, 2005

I Shouldn't But I Will

Sheila has listed five of her quirks. Here's the thing: Hers are cute. I especially like the insistence on socks.

Mine are . . . well, look, how about I try just to pick out the five least repulsive? Would that be okay?

1. I hate showering first thing in the morning. Or . . . the afternoon. I have sometimes put off taking a shower until 8 or 9:00 at night, to be honest. The best I can come up with is, taking a shower first thing means I'm doing it because I have to be somewhere, and I hate starting my day having to be somewhere, somewhere outside my cozy little house, somewhere I might actually have to do things. The showering is just the launching pad for everything I hate. The only time I'll shower relatively early is after a workout, so I've actually been better about prompt showering lately, because it's not that I like to be filthy and disgusting--and baths do not freak me out like this at all. So I don't think it's the bathing so much as it is what the bathing stands for. I hate the symbolism of showering! Or, I'm a freak. It's one of those.

2. I make schedules for myself. This is funny because there's never that much to get done. What would happen if I actually had very much (or even anything important) to do, I wonder? I would probably waste three days on just the scheduling.

So I make schedules, and they're the lamest things in the world: 10:20 a.m. Sort laundry 10:25 a.m. Start laundry 10:30 a.m. Dress 10:35 a.m. Workout 11:35 a.m. Change laundry. But if I do not make the schedule, nothing gets done. I have to write it all down or it doesn't happen.

3. I fly into a killin' rage if you hang up a towel with the tag showing. I won't cut off the tags because it leaves an "itchy spot" on the towel. Also, I think it looks bad. BUT THE TAGS! MUST! NOT! SHOW! when the towel's hanging from the rack. Actually, I think I just have a thing with towels in general; see the "About" page, item 11.

4. I do not eat fruit. I will not eat fruit. This is where someone always goes, "Really, not even strawberries?" or suchlike, but listen: Name your fruit, it doesn't matter, I won't eat it. There's something sickly-sweet about most popular fruits--oranges, melons, and bananas, ugh, especially bananas--that triggers my gag reflex and I literally can't swallow a bite of the stuff. If I'm feeling nauseated and like I need to throw up, but I'm having difficulty, all I need to do is recall the one time someone got me to try cantaloupe and whoops!--Thar she blows! I will eat applesauce, and I will eat apples or blueberries baked into pies only. But that's IT.

As for the people who like to get preachy about the Vitamin C deficiency I so obviously must have due to my fruit aversion, I would remind them that I consume mass quantities of tomatoes, peppers (THREE times as much vitamin C as citrus fruit! Suck it, orange lovers!), and chiles (TWICE as much vitamin C as citrus!). I'm not getting rickets scurvy (thanks, Rob!), so relax.

But could you eat that banana in another room please, because I can't stand even the smell of it. Thanks.

4. My bed-sharing etiquette with men leaves something to be desired--basically I make all the rules and they are permitted to make none. For example, I will hold them. Under no circumstances are they to attempt to hold me. I can't STAND being held while I'm trying to sleep. The only purpose of a man in bed beyond the obvious one, as far as I'm concerned, is to function as my personal life-sized teddy bear. The poor man who attempts to turn over during sleep is inevitably met by me violently shoving him back into position, facing away from me, so I can keep an arm slung over comfortably. I have heard the complaint "my arm still feels asleep, I must have slept on the same side all night" many a morning. I say "Oh, that's too bad" and nothing else.

5. Input I cannot control makes me insane. I had to sit (well, not sit exactly) through an episode of Celebrity Fit Camp 2 and--AND--an episode of Hogan Knows Best recently in the workout room, because that's what the bitch who got there before me had the television set to, and several times during the hour I literally bit my tongue to keep from screaming, "Please! I'll watch anything else! Bowling! Golf! Poker! CROSSFIRE! Just turn it! Turn it to something else before I lose my mind!"

But of course if you heard a stranger at the gym bust out with that speech you'd conclude that person had already lost her mind, wouldn't you? So I didn't say it. The problem with someone else's bad television habits (we won't even mention the radio) is, I cannot tune it out. Believe me, I try. I know people who can tune things out effortlessly and I'm so very very jealous of them, but I can't do it. So the result is, I can tell you everything--everything--that happened on that episode of Celebrity Fit Camp 2, even though I never wanted to know. Now my brain's storing all this information and for what? For what? (Though for the record, I am rooting for Victoria Jackson. Go Victoria!)

We will not discuss the time I suffered through Tommy Lee Goes to College, except to say that compared to Hogan Knows Best, it is marginally less likely to drive me to suicide. Tommy Lee, for all his haggard pierced-and-tattooed vileness, has a certain charm, and he does not have a vapid twat of a hyperbreasted daughter a la Hogan.

As always, feel free to share your own.

UPDATE: Ilyka never said she could count, y'all. Maybe I just really like the number 4; did you ever think of that? Maybe it's one of my idiosyncrasies.

Posted by Ilyka at August 18, 2005 11:15 PM in navel gazing | TrackBack

Quirks? What are these quirks you speak of?

I used to shower before bedtime since it was relaxing, and I hated using up morning sleep time for showering. Then I got my belly button pierced, and I was hyper vigilant about disinfecting and washing it, so I would shower in the morning since it was the easiest way to follow all the steps. It changed 30 odd years of habit, and now I'm a morning showerer. It warms me up (I'm always freezing when I wake up), and it helps the aches and pains which seem to be multiplying.

There, I shared!

Posted by: Ith at August 19, 2005 12:08 AM

I'm not sure what's more disturbing; that you have all of these quirks or that I share somewhere between one and five of them. As for my own particular quirk...

I can't stand glasses. The beverage kind, not the optical equipment. I drink a glass of milk with dinner (Full fat - can't stand the white water shit that the granola lovers push. Count that as quirk 2.) and if there are no plastic Tupperware cups available I'll take one out of the dishwasher and clean it rather than use a glass. The feel of a glass on my lips absolutely disgusts me. I get shivers thinking about it - like being subjected to claws on a blackboard or a Michael Moore interview.

Ironically, I vastly prefer beer in a glass mug. Mugs are okay. It must be something about the thickness of the glass.

Posted by: Jim at August 19, 2005 01:06 AM

Here are a couple: I can't stand people who are picky eaters. Unless, you know, they and I share the same food dislikes. Then it's okay. (Sushi? Hate it! Guacamole? Blearggh!)

On towels: I never remember to wash my towels until they are shedding spores from every terrycloth loop. (This is a slight exaggeration but only slight.)

I am totally with you on the sleeping thing. Men are there to be held, not to hold me.

Posted by: Dr Alice at August 19, 2005 04:37 AM

The "men are there to be held, not to hold me" angle seems to be pretty popular. My wife routinely uses (and abuses) me as her personal body pillow/teddy bear/scratchin' post. Doesn't even bother me now. And when a dumb azz friend of mine says, "I can't deal with that crap", I just reply:

I rather be a body pillow to be squeeze and woman-handled than alone squeezing the pillows.


Posted by: T-Steel at August 19, 2005 06:22 AM

Showering is a nuisance. I prefer showering after I've done something as opposed to before I do something or have to go somewhere but only slightly. I like having showered when its over but I can procrastinate with only a small amount of guilt about getting into it. The wife used to sleep all over me but now prefers her space. And her 19 pillows. I still have no idea what that's about.

Posted by: Rob at August 19, 2005 10:53 AM

That's a good list, and not at all quirky... I certainly agree with the Showering, the fruit and the bed despotism.

But 2 things, 1) tomatoes are a fruit 2) rickets are from vitamin D deficiency.

Still, good to know you're going to be scurvy free!

I'm gonna take my anal retentive self back to the corner now.

Posted by: Rob at August 19, 2005 11:27 AM

I have no quirks. Everyone else has quirks; I, on the other hand, do things as they should be done.

For instance: there will be no talk radio. Ever. Allowed within my hearing. The sound of human speech yammering away on the radio (as opposed to music) simply will not be allowed to exist. The deejay is allowed to briefly state the name of the musician or groups and the title of the piece of music played -- quickly -- but that is all. Now isn't that the way it should always be?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at August 19, 2005 12:12 PM


Okay. I hate telephones. Hate hate hate hate HATE telephones. I don't want to talk to you on the phone. Send me a postcard.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at August 19, 2005 01:16 PM

I share some version of quirks 1, 2, 3, and 5 with you, but not 4 - neither the first 4, nor the second, that is. Which is why I noticed you had two number 4s.

Posted by: Jenna at August 19, 2005 05:36 PM

Which is why I noticed you had two number 4s.


Posted by: ilyka at August 19, 2005 05:38 PM

I'm totally with you on the shower thing. Showering first thing in the morning is really impractical for those of us who own meter's worth of very very thick hair, but no hairdryer.

But the fruit thing? FREAK. (I will happily eat every type of fruit except watermelon. When I tell people this, they don't believe me. "You don't eat WATERMELON?" they'll say, probably figuring that I'm referring to some other food that I erroneously call watermelon. I think they're tasting something different.)

Posted by: Moebius Stripper at August 19, 2005 09:06 PM

See, this is why I hate Ilyka. She makes me laugh my ass off at her quirks, then she makes me want to write about mine.

Except I am trying to maintain an air of decorum about what I allow the general public to know about me. That's why it took Norm over a year to finally get me to agree to one of his interviews, and I'm already fretting that I gave away too much information.

Control freak? Me? Says who?

Oh. I hate hair on the soap. Hate it. Hate it. Will stand there and pick it all off before I can shower. As for getting the bathmat wet, you better not do that in my bathroom. That's why I make my mother let me take a shower first when I visit her. My bathroom quirks in action.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at August 20, 2005 08:34 PM