December 28, 2005

How to Eject an Agoraphobe from the House

1. Live next door.

2. Have this dog who "normally" lives with your mom "because it's kinda mean to keep one in an apartment, you know?" (Note: Yes, I do and yes, I think dogs need a real house with a real yard to play in.)

3. Have Mom bring the dog over for a "holiday visit" with you, his "real mom." [Cough.]

4. When the dog freaks out at his unfamiliar surroundings and begins whining in the most heartbreaking yet thoroughly nerve-scraping way, DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO APPEASE HIM, on the grounds that "he'll get over it, eventually."

5. Repeat for hours and hours.

Actually, I lied. This isn't how to get an agoraphobe out of the house. This is how to make a dog-murderer out of an animal lover.

I know, I know: It's not puppy's fault. But you can't hear puppy, and I can. This NOISE. My GOD. I would trade this dog for a set of colicky 9-month-old quintuplets so fast, puppy wouldn't even get in a goodbye yelp.

I'm going to kill this bitch. The owner, I mean, not the dog.

Well . . .

. . . no. Definitely just the owner.

Posted by Ilyka at December 28, 2005 02:48 PM in navel gazing

At least you have good enough sense to not just chain the damn dog up outside to drive the neighbors batshit crazy. My EX-in-laws had this annoying POS dog that ended up spending 90% of his time outside in the yard doing his yelping at about 150db, which probably made their neighbors nearly suicidal. I was embarrassed to be associated with such ill-mannered clods (the EX turned out to be only slightly less Neanderthal than his family).
(Yes, EX is capitalized because of my never-ending joy at using the term.)

Posted by: Beth at December 28, 2005 09:11 PM

I am so not a dog person, and your post describes why. Dogs are so needy. I prefer my cats. One of my cats has taken to parking her butt permanently on my lap. I have a lap cat at long last!!

My next door neighbor has two dogs that yelp outside at 11 pm. Drives me apeshit. The cats used to go outside. They don't anymore. When they did, they'd sit just far enough away from the dogs to be seen so the dogs would yelp so much I thought they'd yelp up a lung. Cats are so evil. ;)

Posted by: The Countess at December 29, 2005 06:53 AM