January 30, 2006

That Which Vexes

  • Playtex Products, Inc., your Super Plus tampons are worthless; almost as worthless as your "feminine care" website. It is like this with the web design, douchebags: At this time of the month, THAT MUCH PINK is a killin' offense in some parts. Please take steps to depinkify the site immediately, for your own safety.

    More importantly, now--your lousy product. I know how the design is supposed to work in theory: In theory, the dainty little wad o'cotton BLOOMS! Like a FLOWER! When brought into contact with liquid! And indeed, if all you do with this product is douse it in a glass of water, this is so, more or less:

    Fig. 1: The product before deployment, discreetly sheathed in baby blue, perhaps to soothe any men accidentally exposed to the dreadful sight of it.

    Fig. 2: The product in a most unnatural state: That of being removed from its protective sheath and yet, mysteriously, not ensconced within a human vagina.

    Fig. 3: Immersed in liquid, the product opens gently, like a flower! Or . . . something.

    Although the case could be made that it does not so much bloom as grow fat. My point, however, is that the product does not really bloom or enfatten so well in the specific circumstances for which the product was intended to be used. The flower, she fails to bloom; the peasant, she fails to burst the seams of her corset.

    To say more would be indelicate and oh, heavens, we certainly wouldn't want to be indelicate, even if what we're actually talking about here is a product designed, ostensibly, to stanch the flow of menstrual blood before it exits the vagina and stains the unmentionables a color that is DEFINITELY NOT PINK.

    I am convinced a man designed this tampon, poorly, and I hate him. May he someday be consigned to a hell in which the only sustenance available comes from Playtex tampons. Used ones.

    Never again will I forsake thee, Tampax.

  • All the &%#$, *@%^ customers at the Wal-mart who would not GET OUT OF MY WAY when the poorly designed product described above underwent total mission failure a mere 87 minutes after insertion. Listen up, lowercase g's of the Wal-martiverse: I nearly had to get out my Glock to clear a path through all y'all, did you know that? And that would have resulted in only slightly less blood in the store than was gleefully thwarting the absorbent properties of [above].

    Hey! When a woman starts bleeding like a stuck pig in public, you know what that is not the time for? That is not the time for you and your girlfriend to block the aisle while you debate which is the better deal, the Clairol Nice 'n Easy or the L'Oreal Excellence Creme. Move, Wal-mart bitches! Stuck pig comin' through! Your impending bad dye job can wait!

  • Oh, you know, this whole day in general I guess. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. Do you suppose I could be on the rag or something?
  • UPDATE: Also vexing: Another dumb study. Or rather, this would be vexing, if I could be bothered to give a fuck, but today, for some reason, I cannot. Huh, how 'bout that.

    FURTHER VEXING: Whoever added "top-s..." with, I kid you not, the ellipsis in there like that and everything, to the mu.nu communal Moveable Type Blacklist. Here, fellow Munuvian--take this simple test before you make your next Blacklist entry:

    I am a stone cold moron:

    (__) TRUE
    (__) FALSE

    Now score yourself. It's easy: One true, no more Blacklist for you. Crikey. I get really irritable when I can't comment at my own weblog, did you know that, morons?

    ALSO VEXALICIOUS: The dipshit physician's assistant who terminated the dictation by putting the phone on hold, in which state it remained for 57 minutes, making the total length of the sound file over 60 minutes long. Thank heavens I've got DSL or I'd still be downloading 57 minutes of holdy goodness. And I guess it was only almost, rather than entirely, uninteresting to learn that my hospital's hold program promises patients "a world of healing." Imagine it: A world of healing! The clouds are made of tube gauze! They float on gentle breezes against a Betadine-tinted sky!

    Really, just kill me.

    Posted by Ilyka at January 30, 2006 02:43 PM in i don't know you tell me

    Hmmm, that study explains so much!

    Posted by: Ith at January 30, 2006 05:01 PM

    Almost as much as that Playtex Super Plus resembles a flower!

    Posted by: ilyka at January 30, 2006 05:07 PM

    Um,..........check, please?

    Posted by: Rob at January 30, 2006 05:44 PM

    It's on the house tonight, Rob.

    Posted by: ilyka at January 30, 2006 06:10 PM

    May he someday be consigned to a hell in which the only sustenance available comes from Playtex tampons. Used ones.

    OMIGOD. How that reminds me of a really gross joke we giggled and guffawed over at Girl Scout camp. Told to us by the girls from Catholic School.

    They had all the best dirty jokes.


    Posted by: Darleen at January 30, 2006 07:55 PM

    This must be why OB advertises that their fine products were designed by women.....

    And for the record, I am NOT the stone-cold moron. I hate our blacklist with a passion....

    Posted by: caltechgirl at January 30, 2006 09:23 PM

    have you tried a larger size of tampon?

    ... and a pantyliner like your mother always told you?

    Posted by: anon at January 31, 2006 12:20 AM
    have you tried a larger size of tampon?

    Larger than Super Plus? What would you even CALL that? Super Plus-Plus? Super Plus Ultra? Ultimate Rag with Unstoppable Blood-Stanching Technique? Honestly. Are you a fucking cretin, or just Dave Munger?

    ... and a pantyliner like your mother always told you?

    And another thing I'm wondering: Have you tried not being a condescending little cunt to people when you're a guest at their sites? Because I hear that works really well for not advertising to the internets what a pustulent little asscrack boil you are.

    I mean, I know you think that clever "anon" business really hides your identity, and I suppose to some extent it does, but mostly, no.

    So go fuck some back bacon, hoser, because this blog's for intelligent human beings with something of wit to contribute. You fail on all three counts.

    Posted by: ilyka at January 31, 2006 01:03 AM

    I'm stealing "go fuck some back bacon" from you. That's brilliant-I offer my new favorite in return which you are welcome to use at the drop of the hat (applicable here as well)-"daffy fucking cunt". It offends and is objectionable on so many levels.

    Playtex does indeed open like a flower, to which I say-WHY? Does my vagina LOOK like it needs topiary inserted? Isn't it better to impress me with the soakability factor than the aesthetics of the damn thing? Who cares if it looks like a damn flower. It can some up shaped like a gun, like my ex, like a rubber chicken, as long as the absorption is high, I don't care.

    We just got the extra super plus tampons here, and I worship them. It's like inserting a bichon frise up the hooch.

    And pantyliners? Only someone that is either: A) Male, and therefore unfamiliar with them, B) someone who hasn't had sex since 1982 (and having sex with yourself DOESN'T COUNT) or C) a Scientologist would suggest those things. They get sweaty, make their way up the crack, come unstuck, and make you feel like you have a tuna stuffed up the vagina.

    "... and a pantyliner like your mother always told you?"

    Masochistic fuck.

    Posted by: Helen at January 31, 2006 02:27 AM

    PS-where did you get that fabulous search engine for ISPs?

    Posted by: Helen at January 31, 2006 02:29 AM
    that fabulous search engine for ISPs?

    Ah--behold StatCounter! It is totally the bomb and I heart it THIS MUCH.

    Posted by: ilyka at January 31, 2006 02:45 AM

    There is so much to love here that I can't decide what to compliment. Helen stole the back bacon, an obvious one for a Buffalonian Ex-pat like me.

    I'm tempted to go for the Blacklist commentary but I'm afraid an impartial evaluation disqualifies it. You were really a bit too nice there. If that was the first, second, even third time this had happened to you I could accept the mildly vituperative rebuke. By this point we should really be seeing threats against family members.

    So I'm taking this one away with me: "Move, Wal-mart bitches!" Cause seriously - the moron quotient at WalMart is being grossly exceeded. If they don't get some sort of traffic controls in place we'll be seeing headlines soon.

    Hundreds stuck in area WalMart. Couldn't get past "Denture Cream Lady"!

    Tot with Darth Maul lightsaber causes stampede at local WalMart. Eight found dead.

    Posted by: Jim at January 31, 2006 03:59 AM

    I always wondered if these would work.

    Posted by: Hubris at January 31, 2006 08:56 AM

    Ultimate Rag with Unstoppable Blood-Stanching Technique

    Well, I mean, wouldn't that actually be pretty good marketing, for certain markets?

    Especially if it worked exactly as advertised?

    Maybe a Kung-Fu theme on the box?

    No? Maybe men just can't grasp the subtleties, then.

    Posted by: Sigivald at January 31, 2006 02:02 PM
    Maybe a Kung-Fu theme on the box?


    Fucking stupid tampons getting all absorbent, just so I can soak them in menstrual blood!

    Posted by: ilyka at January 31, 2006 02:53 PM

    I know I should not be laughing at your pain, but you make it so funny.

    The moron test was priceless.

    Y'know, the OB tampons work, but I find them uncomfortable. I've pretty much stayed with Tampax, too.

    Seriously, though. I feel your pain. Literally. I'm PMSing myself.

    Posted by: Meryl Yourish at January 31, 2006 06:17 PM

    By the way, Hubris, yeah, those things work, but they take a really long time, and they don't get nearly as big as the package makes them look.

    I bought them one day, years ago, because I got tired of wondering and it seemed like it'd be fun.

    It kinda wasn't. I mean, watching sponges absorb water--gee, exciting.

    Posted by: Meryl Yourish at January 31, 2006 06:27 PM
    Larger than Super Plus? What would you even CALL that? Super Plus-Plus? Super Plus Ultra? Ultimate Rag with Unstoppable Blood-Stanching Technique?


    I'm reminded of a movie where Andrew Dice Clay picked up a box of Super Mega HoMongeous pads for his girlfriend, who asked him if he thought she was a hemmoraging horse, and promised to make his life a living hell...

    Posted by: Craig R. at February 2, 2006 12:46 AM

    Either I have a misshapen vagina or all tampons suck ass. None of them bloom... all of them poorly cork a leak. Why do we buy them? So we don't feel like an out of control faucet. Just a drippy one.
    Hey, the EW! factor is insinuated just by the context of the above entry! Don't blame me!

    Posted by: bogdana at March 2, 2006 12:02 PM