Okay, the first thing you have to remember when reading this post is that I am an idiot.

I don't know what the theories of language teaching are. I thought maybe the phrase I was looking for with regard to how we're being taught Spanish was "immersion," but no, that's something way more hardcore that starts much younger:

In foreign language immersion programs, the regular school curriculum is taught in the immersion language for at least half of the school day. In partial immersion programs, instructional time is divided equally between English and the immersion language throughout the elementary grades. In full immersion programs, teachers use no English at all in the early grades. In Grade 2, 3, or 4, teachers introduce English language arts and reading for one period per day and gradually move toward an even distribution of English and the immersion language by Grade 5 or 6. In the secondary school grades, immersion students typically have access to at least two course offerings in the immersion language, most often in social studies and language arts.

So one of the reasons I've put off writing a post about the way we're being taught Spanish this semester is that I'm not sure I can make an informed criticism about it, except in one respect:

Whatever method it is ain't working.

We have our first exam Monday. I'll bet you $25 that at least 1/3 of the class fails it. I'll bet you the same amount again that at least half the class doesn't make a B.

This isn't my professor's fault. My professor's a nice woman and I continue to like her bunches. We're not blaming the professor here, especially if she finds this blog, in which case I want you all to begin complaining immediately that I never shut up about mi profesora estupenda.

No, it's the curriculum, the textbook, and the overall method of instruction that I have problems with. In other words, everything else.

The way it's supposed to work in theory, as best I can tell, is that we will come to class every day, greet each other in Spanish, listen to the teacher speak about a 90/10 mixture of Spanish and English, do some out-loud exercises in groups in Spanish, and then go home, do the homework, and then come to class the next day, greet each other in Spanish . . . in other words, the idea seems to be that if you just douse everybody in Spanish, Spanish, Spanish, eventually they'll pick it up somehow. Osmosis, I guess.

That's not such a wacky idea. It works well with little children. The problem is, we're not little children. Most of the class are freshmen, straight out of high school, and they're too intimidated, too new at this whole "college" thing, to ask questions when they don't understand something.

Not that it would do them much good if they did ask questions, because our teacher answers them in Spanish. You know, the language we're trying to learn because we don't know it already? Imagine:

Student: Professor, what's "te veo?"

Teacher: ¿Clase, cuál es 'te veo' en inglés?

[silence]

Teacher [more urgently]: ¿Clase, cuál es 'te veo' en inglés? ¿Cómo se dice 'te veo' en inglés?

Me [silently]: That's what he's fucking asking you! And thank goodness, because I was kind of wondering myself.

Then I go home and babelfish "te veo." Oh, all right, not really. Eventually, we get an answer from the teacher.

In Spanish.

Verb conjugation's come up this week. It's been a blast, if you enjoy watching the dirt-simple rules of regular Spanish verb conjugation not be explained ever, while the students are nonetheless expected to know how to apply them.

Teacher: Vamos a conjugar el verbo "estudiar." ¿La persona primera singular es "yo . . ."? ¿Clase?

[silence]

Teacher: Rodrigo?

Roderick: No.

Teacher: ¿Carla?

Carla: NO.

Teacher: No SÉ. Cuando no sabe la respuesta, responde "no sé."

Carla: ...

Teacher: No SÉ.

Carla: No sé.

Did you see what didn't happen there? Verb conjugation! Do you know what our homework assignment was last night? To conjugate verbs!

Very few people in the class have any idea how to do this. Why would they? No one's tipped them off to the rules; the rules which Spanish, unlike English, mostly follows (note: this is for present tense only):

Infinitive forms end in -ar, -er, or -ir. (Example: Hablar, "to speak.")

First-person verbs end in -o. (Example: Hablo, "I speak.")

Second-person informal verbs end in -as for -ar verbs and -es for -er and -ir verbs.

Third-person (and second-person formal) verbs end in -a for -ar verbs and -e for -er and -ir verbs.

First-person plural verbs end in -amos (-ar), -emos (-er), or -imos (-ir).

Second-person plural verbs end in -áis (-ar), -éis (-er), or -ís (-ir).

Third-person plural verbs end in -an (-ar) or -en (-er, -ir).

There; call it "Seven Simple Rules for Conjugating My Regular Spanish Verb" or whatever, but you're now ahead of half my class. I don't mean to imply any slight against the Spanish language or anything, but regular verb conjugation in the present tense of this language is not rocket science, provided someone tells you the rules. But there, that would cut into our time to practice what we don't know:

Student 1: Hola! Cómo estás?

Student 2: Muy bien. Y tú?

Student 1: Bien, gracias. Cómo te llamas?

Student 2: Me llamas--

Teacher: ¡No! ¡No! No es "llamas." LLAMO! "Me LLAMO."

Student 2: Me llamo es--

Teacher: ¡No! ¡No! No "me llamo ES." Solo "me llamo." Por ejemplo: Me llamo Julia.

Student 2: Me llamo Julia.

Teacher: No, tu nombre es Christopher.

Student 2: Tu nombre es Christopher.

Teacher: ¡No! ¡No! (etc.)

I've been to every class so far. At no time have I ever seen it explained to anyone what "Me llamo" MEANS.

It means "I am called." That's why there's no "es" after it; it would be like saying "I am called is Christopher." But the kids have also been taught that "Mi nombre es . . ." is another acceptable way to state their names, and that one means "my name IS." So they're constantly sticking an "es" after "Me llamo" because they mix the two phrases up--and who can blame them, when both phrases translate to "I don't know, dude, it's just something you say like, when you meet somebody" in their minds?

Maybe I'm an idiot, but I think it was easier the way I was taught it centuries ago, when the teacher spoke mostly English and provided lots and lots of literal translation and grammatical rules and other icky, boring stuff that's not half as fun as getting up in front of a classroom and speaking your native language to a room full of confused teenagers for 50 minutes.

I didn't get to the homework assignments yet, did I? Here: You tell ME what someone who has absolutely not one word of Spanish in his or her vocabulary is supposed to make of this:

Nuevos amigos: Tú y un(a) amigo(a) estudian en una universidad en Santiago de Chile. Hoy hablan después de la primera semana. Escriban el diálogo, y luego lee el diálogo con tu compañero(a) frente a la clase. Usa la guía que aparece a continuación.

I kid you not, that is word for word part of my homework assignment from Monday afternoon. I keep thinking one thing to myself in this class:

"What the fuck would I do if this were beginning French?"

Merde!

Translations:

Student: Professor, what's "te veo?"

Teacher: Class, what is "te veo" in English?

[silence]

Teacher [more urgently]: Class, what is "te veo" in English? How do you say "te veo" in English?

Me [silently]: That's what he's fucking asking you! And thank goodness, because I was kind of wondering myself.

*

Teacher: We are going to conjugate the verb "estudiar" (to study). The first person singular is "I . . ." Class?

[silence]

Teacher: Rodrigo?

Roderick: No.

Teacher: Carla?

Carla: NO.

Teacher: "No SÉ." When you don't know the answer, answer "No sé" ("I don't know").

Carla: ...

Teacher: No SÉ.

Carla: No sé.

*

Student 1: Hi! How are you!

Student 2: Very well. And you?

Student 1: Well, thanks. How are you called? [Lit.]

Student 2: I are called--

Teacher: No! No! It is not "are called." AM CALLED! "I AM CALLED."

Student 2: I am called is--

Teacher: No! No! Not "I am called IS." Just "I am called." For example: I am called Julia.

Student 2: I am called Julia.

Teacher: No, your name is Christopher.

Student 2: Your name is Christopher.

Teacher: No! No! (etc.)

Posted by Ilyka at February 2, 2006 03:19 PM in ene-eme-ese-oo