May 13, 2006

Rag Mag

Jay Pinkerton accidentally* picks up a copy of Men's Health and discovers what women have known for over a century already: Magazine publishers hate everything about you:

To summarize: absolutely everything Iím doing, from sitting to sleeping to eating to walking to talking, is killing me. Everything I do, say, or think about saying to women is wrong, and one of 25 distinct reasons why Iím statistically less than a man in the bedroom. And depression will kill you.

In my early 20s I alleviated a little of my own depression by vowing never to read another issue of Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Marie Claire, Allure, Self, or any of the other women's rags again.

For one thing, they're all the same magazine, just dressed up a little different--you've got your sensibly-shod Ladies Home Journal sharing a rack with strappy slingback-wearin' Cosmopolitan. You get recipes for layer cakes in LHJ and recipes for blowing your man's mind with "the best sex he's ever had" in Cosmopolitan. Big difference, right? Besides, none of these style differences is ever allowed to mask the main message: "You are a REPULSIVE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, Reader. And you've got cancer."

I can't even be all "Ha, ha, guys, welcome to the same hateful shit you've been selling women for decades," about this. It's too depressing to me that every month women willingly fork over money to be told how much they suck. It's no sign of progress that men are now considered fair game for this treatment, too.

Oh, but I can't leave this alone. About sex, Men's Health says:

Here I learned that of the sex Iím not having enough of, Iím also not taking long enough to finish, statistically. (Most women, according to Menís Health, would prefer 44 minutes of tender, energetic sex, followed by 60 minutes of cuddling. I hope I speak for any right-thinking man when I say ladies, I appreciate the tip, but that's insane. How much time do you assume we have? I like pizza, but I don't take two hours to eat a slice.)

AN HOUR, for crying out loud. A solid HOUR of being "cuddled"--tell me that doesn't sound like sheer hell to you. I'm getting claustrophobic just thinking about it. At the risk of sharing too much information with y'all, I've got to say that my upper limit of cuddle time is probably five minutes, and three is preferred. But after five, if you're not thinking "Yes okay that was very nice indeed but that's quite enough lying here all sweaty and icky so how 'bout let's hit the shower RIGHT NOW," then, wow, what's wrong with you? Get out of my bed and never return, Pigpen.

No, I refuse to accept that any actual woman wrote that nonsense. It sounds more like the sort of thing some pathetic virgin guy would think a woman would say. It just sounds so horribly, awfully wrong.

*I assume it was an accident, because the only way I could accept Pinkerton reading Men's Health on purpose is if Batman were on the cover.

Posted by Ilyka at May 13, 2006 08:19 PM in hell is other people
Comments

"You are a REPULSIVE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, Reader. And you've got cancer."

And if you don't know exactly how to please your man while simultaneously whipping up a six-course sit down dinner ALL THE WHILE maintaining a perfect size six figure. . .well. . .subscribe and we'll tell you exactly how you can do JUST THAT.

Didja know that saliva, taken in small quantities over a lifetime, is fatal?

Heh.

Posted by: Margi at May 13, 2006 10:13 PM

How weird! My GF and I are the exact same way about cuddling -- it's like, "We've just BEEN close for the last hour, let's have some space to stretch out now!" And yet, in seven years I don't think we've ever run to the shower afterwards.

We run to the food.

Posted by: JD at May 14, 2006 06:07 AM

We get a lot of free mags sent to our office for our 'reception' area. One for awhile was 'Details' the men's version of Cosmo, it seems. This was years ago, but I still remember it because it was so insanely funny. There was the usual 'how to be intimate on a date' sort of list. And one of the things on it was that while at dinner/lunch/a meal, to straighten/rearrange her cutlery. I kid you not! If I'm on a date, and the guy starts pawing my fork, he's going to be lucky if the fork doesn't end up in the back of his hand :) Then I imagined all these poor guys, who read this crap, trying to rearrange their date's silverware and not understanding why she'd didn't melt into their arms.

Well, I guess fair's fair: why shouldn't men be subjected to the same magazine crap we've been all these years?

Posted by: Ith at May 14, 2006 11:36 AM

If I do pick up a "woman's mag" it's one devoted exclusively to knitting or crafts .... SPARE me yet another breathless, never-told-before story on how teens rebel or small children can be difficult or when cats get annoyed they leave you tokens in your favorite shoes.

Posted by: Darleen at May 14, 2006 04:17 PM

I like a lengthy period of cuddling myself after masturbating, but it's just to take the edge off the emptiness.

Posted by: Hubris at May 14, 2006 05:13 PM

Ilyka: I've got to say that my upper limit of cuddle time is probably five minutes, and three is preferred. But after five, if you're not thinking "Yes okay that was very nice indeed but that's quite enough lying here all sweaty and icky so how 'bout let's hit the shower RIGHT NOW,"...

Um. The best lover I ever had would promptly fall dead asleep after, no matter the time of day or night, usually pinning my arm in the process. Does that count as cuddling? It sure seemed excessive to me...

Damn, I miss that girl.

Posted by: Buck at May 14, 2006 10:37 PM

If you don't have big problems to solve, you don't need those Rag Mags (which we, in the biz, call "Ad Rags" or "Vessels for Ads" BTW).

Posted by: Roxanne at May 16, 2006 06:03 AM

Hi, I'm a relatively new reader and having a lot of fun looking around your blog.

Re: The Cuddling Hour-- I'll confess that not only can I not deal with an hour of post-sex cuddling, I have been taken to task by my partners for turning over and falling dead asleep right after. "Hey!" they exclaim, "That's *my* line!"

Posted by: regina at May 17, 2006 09:36 AM

Hubris, your comment should have a warning label affixed.

Now I have to clean the coffee off of my screen again.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at May 17, 2006 10:24 AM

Sometimes I cry.

Posted by: C-C-Caner?! at May 21, 2006 05:27 AM