May 06, 2004

Up Navel Creek Without a Paddle

Wheeeee! It's this stuff again! Lucky, lucky you.

49.I can't stress this enough: I hate the telephone. The way you can be my best friend is never to call me on the telephone. I lost a programming job because they wanted me to code up a "soft phone," and I just hated it too much to want to work on it, so I didn't. The ringer on my phone was once turned off for a week because one Saturday, while trying to take a nap, people kept calling me and waking me up, and even though I knew eventually I would have to turn it back on before someone got hostile about not being able to reach me, every time I reached for the ringer switch I thought, "Nah, let 'em wait awhile yet." I tell people that if I had invented the phone, it would only dial out, and it would only dial one number: 911. They think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

50.You can probably infer from the above that I don't have a cell phone. It's my goal to check out of this world without one, too.

51.A large part of the reason I'm against fascism in all its forms, under all its labels, is because I know no one's ever going to let me have my kind of fascism, under which the first thing I do is, I confiscate YOUR cell phone. Don't give me that look. Up against the wall!

52.I don't understand people who can't be quiet. Some people have to talk all the time, no matter where they are, no matter what they're doing. Once, while shopping, I actually started to hyperventilate in the dressing room stall because in the stall next to me were a young woman from Oklahoma and her mother--and they simply would not say anything remotely interesting, but neither would they shut up, and oh, p.s., they were LOUD. Try as I might, I could not tune them out. It's the closest I've ever come to having an anxiety attack. With all due respect to the fine citizens of Oklahoma: Do you people have any idea at all what you sound like?

53.That said, I can talk your ear off if the mood strikes, and I send out some very burdensome e-mails. I've actually had people write me back saying, essentially, "um, I can't possibly address all this, but I thought I'd tell you I got a new job last week. Hope everything's going well with you. Don't ever e-mail me again."

54.I think if you mess something up or do something awful, you ought to be aggressive and prompt in trying to correct it, but I hate trying to practice that myself. I pretty much have to spend a few hours wallowing in shame first.

55.I don't think the logical solution to personal problems is always the solution most likely to work, because I think human beings definitely have some very irrational attributes, and sometimes you're better off working with those attributes, rather than just trying to reason out the most logical solution. However elegant a solution is, first someone has to be motivated to try it, or it's no good. And I'm really sorry that sounds so much like something Anthony Robbins would say, because man, do I hate that guy.

56.My favorite color is purple, but you won't catch me wearing it, because every time I see a purple article of clothing I'm reminded of Donny Osmond's socks. I wear a lot of black. It goes with anything and it shows off the cat fur spectacularly.

Posted by Ilyka at May 6, 2004 05:41 PM in

P'shaw. Your emails are fine. People just aren't used to getting actual substance in their electronic discourse.

Posted by: Jim at May 6, 2004 06:01 PM

And #49? One of the main reasons I had for getting married was that I'll never have to answer the phone again.

Posted by: Jim at May 6, 2004 06:03 PM

I hate the phone. i have no choice in using if I want to keep my job, but I hate it. I go to great lengths to avoid it. I prefer email.

Posted by: Ith at May 6, 2004 07:34 PM

This is a deliberate, meaningless, intentionally vacuous comment. Am I evil or exceptionally helpful?

Posted by: Jim at May 6, 2004 10:15 PM

I love these. I really, really do. And you know what? I could have written #56 myself.

Skaweee, innit?

P.S. I lived for ten years in Oklahoma. Four in South Carolina. I hear you on 52. Unfortunately, I'm a natural-born mimic. I'm afraid I picked up the accents. Oy.

Posted by: Emma at May 6, 2004 10:38 PM

The best way to get ahold of me is to call when I'm not home, and leave a message.

Posted by: Ben Culture at May 7, 2004 04:05 AM

while i read the articles from this category, it is not one that i've warmed to until this group. i do agree with you that my phone is, just as i said, mine. it will ring only if i permit it to. if someone doesn't like that, then pay the bill and i'll leave it turned on.

Posted by: rammer at May 7, 2004 04:37 AM