June 26, 2004

Me for Benevolent Dictator

I don't think you people have given this idea the consideration it deserves, really I don't. If you'll recall, I promised two things under my kind of fascism: The eradication of cell phones, and the death penalty for oafs who are cruel to animals.

We might have to rethink the cell phone thing; I don't know. Maybe we could fund designated cell phone zones throughout the nation by raiding the coffers of the DEA (which, under my dictatorship, we are of course abolishing). That way things like this wouldn't happen ever again.

Anyway, even if you love your cell phone with an all-consuming passion, I still think you should consider making me your (utterly benevolent and rather soft-hearted) dictator. Because you know what I'd do to guys like this (link via Dean's World)?

First, I'd hold an essay contest.

The 100 best essayists (as selected by a panel of me, myself, and I--look, it's a dictatorship) on the topic, "What I Think We Should Do to Heartless Shitbags Who Pitch Kittens Out of Moving Vehicles," would then each have a day to spend alone with said shitbag, a whole 24 hours in which to carry out their plans as described in their essays.

Of course, they'd also be free to improvise, just so long as they left him alive for the next day's winner. That'd be the only rule.

No cameras. No guards. No ACLU.

And then, at the end of 100 days, I'd kill him myself. How? I dunno, but I'll tell you this: I'd have had 100 days in which to think about it and steal ideas from my predecessors, so you better believe I'd come up with something good.

Now doesn't that sound nice?

Posted by Ilyka at June 26, 2004 04:02 AM in hell is other people

I'd vote for you. :-)

Posted by: Dean Esmay at June 26, 2004 04:22 AM

No voting! You will be assimiilated!

Posted by: ilyka at June 26, 2004 04:29 AM

100 days of torture isnt enough for the kitten killing shitbag.

Posted by: Val Prieto at June 26, 2004 11:03 AM

:) I wouldn't vote for you, because I am already superseding your aspirations. Things will be much more . . . organized, to say the least. Animal abusers will be allowed to live, but they will be confined to National Parks which will be overpopulated with all the animals released from zoos and from insane animal lovers. Animals shouldn't be kept as pets either, so all the Mittens and Fidos everywhere will finally be free to escape the overwhelming captivity of their owners . . . only humans will be kept under control. By myself, of course. Animals will be there they are supposed to be . . . in nature. Humans will be confined to their current living areas, and they will not be allowed to expand their cities and towns.

I will regulate who is allowed to use telecommunications. I alone will control all information, and it will be free to all. Those who abuse it will be punished swiftly. Those who try to suppress information will themselves be written into the history books as violators of my reign.

Executions will not place in my society. Instead, violators of my law will be put into situations where public shame, public hatred, and even death are possible. For man is a true hypocrite if he seeks to kill other killers.
My reign will be much more discriminating and thoughtful. After all, I must keep all of my subjects content, whether they like it or not.

Posted by: Rex Reinhard at December 23, 2004 05:25 AM